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Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The Storyteller
So for the past several minutes, I've been struggling whether I should delete all of my past postings or not. Not to mention the atrocious writing, but I honestly did not see the point of keeping them while I'm pondering of focusing my blog to talk more about meaningful stuff, like making changes in the world, or something... you know? Something that I desperately hope to do, something that I love, something that I want to devote my life into. I want people to see that, and I want MYSELF to see that.
This is perhaps because throughout my first year in grad school, I have read so many fascinating blogs. The lives of others certainly are more fascinating than my own, I'm not gonna lie. I mean if you're a development worker who have been in the field for the past 10 years living with the most vulnerable population like Alanna Shaikh of Blood and Milk or if you're someone who's compiling an extensive reviews of musical theater like my friend Sarah Ellis at UCLA , I certainly cannot compete with their blogs (the links are available on my profile btw), because I just feel that I'm sharing bits and pieces of my personal life that has little bumps here and there, just like many other people in their mid-20s who are going through their midlife crises. So I really asked myself, "Do I want to keep doing this?"
But then, I remembered this fantastic TED talk by Chimamanda Adichie, called, "The Danger of a Single Story." You should really listen to it if you want to understand (and it's only 15 minutes long while she's a fascinating storyteller), but she was pointing out how the stories of Africa is told in rather monolithic manners, like HIV/AIDS, starvation, civil wars and desperation, perhaps the way that the audience (outsiders) wants to hear it. And she gives a little bit of personal bits, how she used to feel that to give a story as an African woman, she wished that she had some stories of challenges in her lives.
Back to my initial thoughts. So I decided not to delete any of my postings (despite the bad writing, despite the irregularity of posting), precisely because of Adichie's reasoning. I started this blog initially, because I moved into a new chapter of my life at a different part of the world and therefore I wanted my story to keep going by sharing it with others. And I wanted to do it not just to keep in touch with my beloved ones in the US, but also for myself. I wanted to share my growth, personal joy and frustration, love and hate, and everything else.
For sure, I probably can't make it as focused and stylish as some other writers do, but so what? What I want to do and what I like to do is storytelling, and without having the complete story from the beginning, you won't know anything about the stories that I will tell in the future. Right?
Of course, over the first year in Singapore, I definitely have grown some interests in different things, and most of them are based on my passion that existed since in undergrad: women's human rights, labor & migration, political Islam. I certainly will try to address these issues, and yes, please feel free to comment.
On that note, I promise that I will try to write more regularly and continuously. But please do understand that I'm currently working on two major researches (which are super exciting). One with the Centre on Asia and Globalisation at my school on access to remedies/justice for the laborers in Southeast Asia. My subgroup is focusing on construction sector in Singapore and Malaysia. So far, my personal task was on interviewing stakeholders in NGO sectors in Singapore. Coming from an activist background, it's super exciting to see this other side of Singapore that is so vocal and active. My other research is for my final thesis (called Policy Analysis Exercise-PAE, or Painfully Agonizing Exercise as we jokingly call it). I finalized the topic (ohhhhh... I really hope this is final!) this week. Some of you know that I've been extremely interested in Political Islam ever since I took class with Dr Suzaina Kadir this past semester. I really got into the topic, and I wanted to focus my thesis on this, especially on Southeast Asia (SEA) region. Anyhow, my topic is on Islamic Family Law in Malaysia and possible engagement of moderate Islamic civil society organizations. I'm so glad to have my interests put together. I will be doing the research with Nanyang Technological University's Prof. Joseph Liow. I met him only once, but he let me do research internship at his school (RSIS- Rajaratnam School of International Studies at NTU). I'm so incredibly excited about these two, but this means that no more play play this summer.
OK, I'll keep you all posted about the progress in my life, while I spend next several months researching, traveling, and living in Singapore.
This is perhaps because throughout my first year in grad school, I have read so many fascinating blogs. The lives of others certainly are more fascinating than my own, I'm not gonna lie. I mean if you're a development worker who have been in the field for the past 10 years living with the most vulnerable population like Alanna Shaikh of Blood and Milk or if you're someone who's compiling an extensive reviews of musical theater like my friend Sarah Ellis at UCLA , I certainly cannot compete with their blogs (the links are available on my profile btw), because I just feel that I'm sharing bits and pieces of my personal life that has little bumps here and there, just like many other people in their mid-20s who are going through their midlife crises. So I really asked myself, "Do I want to keep doing this?"
But then, I remembered this fantastic TED talk by Chimamanda Adichie, called, "The Danger of a Single Story." You should really listen to it if you want to understand (and it's only 15 minutes long while she's a fascinating storyteller), but she was pointing out how the stories of Africa is told in rather monolithic manners, like HIV/AIDS, starvation, civil wars and desperation, perhaps the way that the audience (outsiders) wants to hear it. And she gives a little bit of personal bits, how she used to feel that to give a story as an African woman, she wished that she had some stories of challenges in her lives.
Back to my initial thoughts. So I decided not to delete any of my postings (despite the bad writing, despite the irregularity of posting), precisely because of Adichie's reasoning. I started this blog initially, because I moved into a new chapter of my life at a different part of the world and therefore I wanted my story to keep going by sharing it with others. And I wanted to do it not just to keep in touch with my beloved ones in the US, but also for myself. I wanted to share my growth, personal joy and frustration, love and hate, and everything else.
For sure, I probably can't make it as focused and stylish as some other writers do, but so what? What I want to do and what I like to do is storytelling, and without having the complete story from the beginning, you won't know anything about the stories that I will tell in the future. Right?
Of course, over the first year in Singapore, I definitely have grown some interests in different things, and most of them are based on my passion that existed since in undergrad: women's human rights, labor & migration, political Islam. I certainly will try to address these issues, and yes, please feel free to comment.
On that note, I promise that I will try to write more regularly and continuously. But please do understand that I'm currently working on two major researches (which are super exciting). One with the Centre on Asia and Globalisation at my school on access to remedies/justice for the laborers in Southeast Asia. My subgroup is focusing on construction sector in Singapore and Malaysia. So far, my personal task was on interviewing stakeholders in NGO sectors in Singapore. Coming from an activist background, it's super exciting to see this other side of Singapore that is so vocal and active. My other research is for my final thesis (called Policy Analysis Exercise-PAE, or Painfully Agonizing Exercise as we jokingly call it). I finalized the topic (ohhhhh... I really hope this is final!) this week. Some of you know that I've been extremely interested in Political Islam ever since I took class with Dr Suzaina Kadir this past semester. I really got into the topic, and I wanted to focus my thesis on this, especially on Southeast Asia (SEA) region. Anyhow, my topic is on Islamic Family Law in Malaysia and possible engagement of moderate Islamic civil society organizations. I'm so glad to have my interests put together. I will be doing the research with Nanyang Technological University's Prof. Joseph Liow. I met him only once, but he let me do research internship at his school (RSIS- Rajaratnam School of International Studies at NTU). I'm so incredibly excited about these two, but this means that no more play play this summer.
OK, I'll keep you all posted about the progress in my life, while I spend next several months researching, traveling, and living in Singapore.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
slow recovery from my quarter life crisis
Long time ago, until I was in middle school, perhaps, my favorite thing to do was writing. I was actively participating in writing contests and I actually got lots of awards as well (gasp! Was that the reason that I enjoyed writing that much?)
Then, the thing called "real life" got on the way of my 15-year-old self. I chose to move on to high school in a completely different country with a language that I thought I was good at.
And look what happened, about 10 years later (another gasp...). Now I'm too tired, too lazy, and too jaded to write anything and express myself really effectively. Of course no one checks whether I'm writing my journal diligently or not, so the closest thing to my former passion that I do nowadays is drafting 5-line emails, perhaps 7-8 times a day. Even emailing is somewhat burdensome from time to time.
What saddens me a little (or a lot) is the feeling that I have lost too much of myself over time. I always had grand excuses, such as learning new cultures, exams, social life, "work," etc., but what have I done just for myself? What have I done to communicate most effectively with myself? I once wanted to be a writer, perhaps when I was in middle school. I was actively curious, searching for things to think about and write about. I wanted to see and feel the beauty and interpret it on my own, because that's what I wanted, and because that's who I was. And my inner intimacy level to my own self has dropped by about 248%, and there's some sadness to it. When what I really used to love becomes a chore and becomes a source of headache and tiredness, and when I realize these facts about myself, it is more than disappointment.
Perhaps what I need is still wanting to find things to be excited about, to love and to share, yet again. While I've been recovering from a pretty challenging year, not only regarding grad school, but overall trauma of becoming an adult, I realized that I had let go a lot of things, like, meaningful relationships that I should have maintained, passion, love and hope. I let myself down, often, and I do apologize that I have been out of touch with many of my friends (which include stopping of my emailing and blogging and other worldly contacts).
It's a little late to talk about these new life plans for 2010, but I have one big new years resolution now: I'm not gonna let the world take over me. And I'll become "me" again, just like the girl whom I used to be.
Then, the thing called "real life" got on the way of my 15-year-old self. I chose to move on to high school in a completely different country with a language that I thought I was good at.
And look what happened, about 10 years later (another gasp...). Now I'm too tired, too lazy, and too jaded to write anything and express myself really effectively. Of course no one checks whether I'm writing my journal diligently or not, so the closest thing to my former passion that I do nowadays is drafting 5-line emails, perhaps 7-8 times a day. Even emailing is somewhat burdensome from time to time.
What saddens me a little (or a lot) is the feeling that I have lost too much of myself over time. I always had grand excuses, such as learning new cultures, exams, social life, "work," etc., but what have I done just for myself? What have I done to communicate most effectively with myself? I once wanted to be a writer, perhaps when I was in middle school. I was actively curious, searching for things to think about and write about. I wanted to see and feel the beauty and interpret it on my own, because that's what I wanted, and because that's who I was. And my inner intimacy level to my own self has dropped by about 248%, and there's some sadness to it. When what I really used to love becomes a chore and becomes a source of headache and tiredness, and when I realize these facts about myself, it is more than disappointment.
Perhaps what I need is still wanting to find things to be excited about, to love and to share, yet again. While I've been recovering from a pretty challenging year, not only regarding grad school, but overall trauma of becoming an adult, I realized that I had let go a lot of things, like, meaningful relationships that I should have maintained, passion, love and hope. I let myself down, often, and I do apologize that I have been out of touch with many of my friends (which include stopping of my emailing and blogging and other worldly contacts).
It's a little late to talk about these new life plans for 2010, but I have one big new years resolution now: I'm not gonna let the world take over me. And I'll become "me" again, just like the girl whom I used to be.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
wow it's been a while...
and I just realized that I started to write this entry in the middle of September, but I just never got around posting it. I do apologize for this... yes, not being so communicating, but it's been pretty busy and busy and busy. But I'm still thinking of you.
---
Hello everyone,
OK, there has been an extensive communication disconnection, and I do apologize. I have been extremely busy, I mean, just awfully busy. I haven’t slept more than 4-6 hours for past 3 weeks, and I just have not had much willingness to do anything else than sleeping. When I had time, I’d have so many thoughts and things to share everyday, just sitting at the bus stop, daydreaming, walking on the street, or something, but I just haven’t had the energy for it.
So where do I start… Well, one thing I have been constantly thinking about is, “What am I doing here?” Don’t get me wrong. I do love it, I do love the person who I have become, and I do love the extent of learning. I think I made the best choice from the options that I had since I could have easily stayed in the “West,” instead of choosing to move back to Asia (sort of…) and to study public policy. As I was writing a long overdue email to my dear friend Sarah, I could not help but thinking, “So why am I specifically pursuing this path?” I have known that I wanted to do something that is service oriented throughout my life, and I believe that it has been confirmed in so many ways. But really, when I’m working on microeconomics problem sets or decision trees for my empirical methods class, I find myself being distracted and feeling out of place, not just because it is a new field for me, but also because I don’t see how I can apply this mass information that I’m getting can actually be realized in my real work that I would like to do. Well, I don’t even know what I want to do, but you get the point. At the end of the day, I still have tons of problem sets that I have yet to understand, and once I come back home by midnight, all I want to do is just going to bed, instead of writing my journal, reading and thinking about what is going on in the world, and reflecting on how great the day was to move a step forward to make a small change in the world. Instead, I’m just so tired, and half the semester is already gone after many of these days. I fear that I would not be as useful of a person as I thought I was, and there’s this permanent guilt (?) that I’m not trying as hard as I could. And I’m a little frustrated about the fact that I am getting more distant everyday from anthropology, which is really the love-of-my-life discipline.
Don’t worry. I am not going to drop out of school (!). I just need to remind myself regularly about why I initially chose this path, despite the fact that everyone thought it was such an odd choice for me to choose such a “conservative” discipline (not in a government involvement/political sense, but more of a general sense considering my personality). Facing this challenge of “why” has been a learning experience in itself, and I believe that it will eventually enrich the sense of purpose. I know that one day, I will look back and laugh at those days that I complained about too many graphs to draw for my econ assignments.
On a brighter note, recent several days have been really fun for me. There was the cultural night at school which helped us distress a little bit from the midterm pressure and dress up in our traditional dresses (I did too!!!). I just hung out with people, not working ☺, and walked around the gardens just talking, and other things. I can’t give you enough of details!
I know that these are the days that I will definitely remember. Although I have so much work to do for the rest of the break, I know there is sufficient support from my friends who are really in this together and enjoy sharing everything. The people here do make differences in my life, and I thank them in my heart everyday. On that note, wherever you are, I am thinking of you and thanking you for taking a part in my life.
---
Hello everyone,
OK, there has been an extensive communication disconnection, and I do apologize. I have been extremely busy, I mean, just awfully busy. I haven’t slept more than 4-6 hours for past 3 weeks, and I just have not had much willingness to do anything else than sleeping. When I had time, I’d have so many thoughts and things to share everyday, just sitting at the bus stop, daydreaming, walking on the street, or something, but I just haven’t had the energy for it.
So where do I start… Well, one thing I have been constantly thinking about is, “What am I doing here?” Don’t get me wrong. I do love it, I do love the person who I have become, and I do love the extent of learning. I think I made the best choice from the options that I had since I could have easily stayed in the “West,” instead of choosing to move back to Asia (sort of…) and to study public policy. As I was writing a long overdue email to my dear friend Sarah, I could not help but thinking, “So why am I specifically pursuing this path?” I have known that I wanted to do something that is service oriented throughout my life, and I believe that it has been confirmed in so many ways. But really, when I’m working on microeconomics problem sets or decision trees for my empirical methods class, I find myself being distracted and feeling out of place, not just because it is a new field for me, but also because I don’t see how I can apply this mass information that I’m getting can actually be realized in my real work that I would like to do. Well, I don’t even know what I want to do, but you get the point. At the end of the day, I still have tons of problem sets that I have yet to understand, and once I come back home by midnight, all I want to do is just going to bed, instead of writing my journal, reading and thinking about what is going on in the world, and reflecting on how great the day was to move a step forward to make a small change in the world. Instead, I’m just so tired, and half the semester is already gone after many of these days. I fear that I would not be as useful of a person as I thought I was, and there’s this permanent guilt (?) that I’m not trying as hard as I could. And I’m a little frustrated about the fact that I am getting more distant everyday from anthropology, which is really the love-of-my-life discipline.
Don’t worry. I am not going to drop out of school (!). I just need to remind myself regularly about why I initially chose this path, despite the fact that everyone thought it was such an odd choice for me to choose such a “conservative” discipline (not in a government involvement/political sense, but more of a general sense considering my personality). Facing this challenge of “why” has been a learning experience in itself, and I believe that it will eventually enrich the sense of purpose. I know that one day, I will look back and laugh at those days that I complained about too many graphs to draw for my econ assignments.
On a brighter note, recent several days have been really fun for me. There was the cultural night at school which helped us distress a little bit from the midterm pressure and dress up in our traditional dresses (I did too!!!). I just hung out with people, not working ☺, and walked around the gardens just talking, and other things. I can’t give you enough of details!
I know that these are the days that I will definitely remember. Although I have so much work to do for the rest of the break, I know there is sufficient support from my friends who are really in this together and enjoy sharing everything. The people here do make differences in my life, and I thank them in my heart everyday. On that note, wherever you are, I am thinking of you and thanking you for taking a part in my life.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
a small thought...
I'm a little stressed out nowadays. I have so much to do and so little time to do everything, and it is a little hard for me to be alert all the time. I want to learn more, I want to hang out with my friends, I want to relax, I want to go yoga, I want to enjoy the beautiful things around me, and I want to sleep (ha, yeah, really). And you're missing a lot more of things that I really really really wanna do. I’m, instead, carrying around a backpack that’s half of my size and weight (ok, a little smaller), complaining about my back and knee pain (wonder why!!!), eating unhealthy food (ugh, cafeteria food), drinking unwanted amount of coffee and other caffeinated beverages, and worrying about not having enough time this weekend to study for a midterm exam (class retreat at the outward bound school, woohoo!).
But I think through a little bit of suffering/challenge that I go through might teach me something more valuable. Like last week, I went to school on Thursday to do some school work although I had no class. But I ran into someone that I sort of knew, and I had such a great lunch/afternoon conversation with him, first time in a long time with anyone, really. We were sitting in the cafeteria and the conversation was carried to the botanic gardens that's actually connected to the campus, which I so did not know. Obviously, I didn't get much work done that afternoon, but really, good convos, good peeps (ok, one person, but still), beautiful gardens and afternoon sunshine really helped me take a break a bit from my stressful week (and more stressful weeks to come for midterms).
Sometimes what you need in life is just that simple. Some of you have emailed me recently, and i'm really sorry that I'm unable to talk on individual basis at this very moment. But I swear, I wanted to tell you that I'm still doing well, learning, growing, smiling, laughing and generally loving life, as I always do. I'm trying to look at the big picture, I suppose.
I'm a little high on coke-zero and other caffeinated drinks that I've taken today, so what I’ve babbled so far sounds really… eh… uneducated and not-so-nice, But please know that I'm thinking each and one of you, and I love you. Now, really back to work.
But I think through a little bit of suffering/challenge that I go through might teach me something more valuable. Like last week, I went to school on Thursday to do some school work although I had no class. But I ran into someone that I sort of knew, and I had such a great lunch/afternoon conversation with him, first time in a long time with anyone, really. We were sitting in the cafeteria and the conversation was carried to the botanic gardens that's actually connected to the campus, which I so did not know. Obviously, I didn't get much work done that afternoon, but really, good convos, good peeps (ok, one person, but still), beautiful gardens and afternoon sunshine really helped me take a break a bit from my stressful week (and more stressful weeks to come for midterms).
Sometimes what you need in life is just that simple. Some of you have emailed me recently, and i'm really sorry that I'm unable to talk on individual basis at this very moment. But I swear, I wanted to tell you that I'm still doing well, learning, growing, smiling, laughing and generally loving life, as I always do. I'm trying to look at the big picture, I suppose.
I'm a little high on coke-zero and other caffeinated drinks that I've taken today, so what I’ve babbled so far sounds really… eh… uneducated and not-so-nice, But please know that I'm thinking each and one of you, and I love you. Now, really back to work.
Monday, August 31, 2009
becoming a real student
Long time no talk, my friends,
It’s another rainy day in Singapore. Really, since last week or a couple weeks ago, it’s been raining at least once a day. It makes the climate a little more unbearable due to its humidity that’s 10 times worse than anywhere else (even that of Durham or Korea in mid-july to mid-august). I don’t mind it at all, except in the morning that I have to climb up the hill once I get off the bus to come to school ☺.
Anyhow, I haven’t had time this past 2 weeks to write, although I have had so many urges to write. And now, I’m writing, because honestly, I can’t concentrate on my studying anymore. Throughout the whole weekend, I can’t say I studied the whole time, but I did more studying than usual, and now I’m just tired of staring at the textbook that has so many graphs and numbers that I don’t understand much. But this doesn’t mean that I have nothing to say. You know what a chatterbox I can be, so no worries.
So recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about being a woman, especially an Asian woman, in the context of diverse environment. I have been lucky enough to be exposed to diverse environment since I was young, and I have thoroughly enjoyed the privilege. But what I also learned, in many painful ways, was that I have to speak up (literally and figuratively) to get my voice heard, even in this country where Asians (East Asians especially since 70% or so of the population is Chinese descendents) are majority while the culture has a fair mix of Western influence. The same may apply to South East Asian women. In one of my classes (on leadership), my prof mentioned that first-born Indian males are more likely to dominate the conversation while SE Asian women are more likely to be someone who doesn’t get opportunities to speak. Same applies to tall, white (usually handsome) males who are fluent in English (or not, in my opinion), again according to him. Another thing: inspirational leaders, like Barack Obama or MLK Jr., are most likely to be men (I mean how many females can you think of at this moment?) with deep low voices.
All these things reminded me of my voice class at Duke. How random, but I promise it will all come together. I was in Dr. Linnartz’s class, an amazing classical voice teacher. She pointed out the fact that my talking voice is “too low” compared to my singing voice (which is mezzo-soprano-ish). She wanted me to use my throat less, because I was constantly hurting my vocal cord by speaking the way I do always. I tried a little, but I felt ridiculous. I mean, I thought my voice was already high and distinct enough, normally, and now, I have to speak differently?!? I talked to my mom that night, and she also pointed out that after I started to speak English more fluently than Korean, my voice got significantly lower than before. So I never ended up even trying to “change” my talking voice, but that really got me to think a lot of things that I experienced while I was learning English over past 8 years. I have been usually pretty good with foreign languages, and one of the reasons was because I’m good at imitating different sounds, according to one of my teachers. The way I speak English now is after a constant imitation of American people that I’ve encountered, especially the ones who speak “good” American English. The way they spoke (therefore I imitated) has always been a lower-key, basically more “masculine” voices which were (unconsciously) taught to me as intellectual, sophisticated and persuasive voices. I basically learned how to speak like a handsome White male, in sum.
It may sound a little ridiculous to you, but I actually think my whole logic makes a perfect sense. I’m not saying that I don’t like the way I talk, but I find it simply fascinating to find out linguistic development to embrace the subtle cultural pressure that I had never thought of. I used to pronounce the same word hundreds of times before I went to bed if I was made fun of that day due to a certain “wrong” pronunciation. I used to hate the fact that I’m not a native speaker of English, especially when I was frustrated with writing. I hated the fact that some random white dude in class interrupted me in the middle of my talk, just because I was going a little slow. So what I learned was how to fight back. I wanted to have the same style of weapon as they do: precise American accent with lower voice that really resonates throughout the classroom, not to mention the deliberate speed which gives the other side a hard time to process what you’re talking about while not giving them opportunities to interrupt you. I wanted to become a better talker than a better listener, while constantly thinking what I can talk about right after this person who’s talking right now (without really listening to her/him). I was embodying the American White Male characters academically, whether I liked it or not.
Friends, this is not an attack on any specific person or people, but I’m a little frustrated about this aspect, because I find a lot of Westerners (both females and males) and myself, who are educated in the West with different styles from the East, making this mistake all the time, without meaning to hurt other people’s self-esteem or to kill others’ opportunities in the class. All my colleagues here are brilliant people, although some of their English is not as “good” as some of the natives or people like me. But when I see people being impatient while they really just have to listen, I get frustrated, because I feel like I am going back to several years ago and looking at myself who was being attacked and interrupted so many times, just because I wasn’t quite American/Western or even, masculine (not “manly” per se but culturally speaking). Theory of oppression in real life, right here.
So what do I do now? I actually try to speak less (although I do talk a lot in classes), and listen more. I sit back just a little, and pay attention to every word that my friend who’s not so fluent in English has to say. Learning to not to talk is by far the hardest thing that I’m working on (OK, maybe microeconomics is about there). Silence is NOT a virtue (because it is indifference and powerlessness), but listening definitely is. And I do believe that, one day, people with voices like me, can speak up freely, inspiring others, just like MLK and Barack.
Just as always, I miss you all my beloved. Peace.
It’s another rainy day in Singapore. Really, since last week or a couple weeks ago, it’s been raining at least once a day. It makes the climate a little more unbearable due to its humidity that’s 10 times worse than anywhere else (even that of Durham or Korea in mid-july to mid-august). I don’t mind it at all, except in the morning that I have to climb up the hill once I get off the bus to come to school ☺.
Anyhow, I haven’t had time this past 2 weeks to write, although I have had so many urges to write. And now, I’m writing, because honestly, I can’t concentrate on my studying anymore. Throughout the whole weekend, I can’t say I studied the whole time, but I did more studying than usual, and now I’m just tired of staring at the textbook that has so many graphs and numbers that I don’t understand much. But this doesn’t mean that I have nothing to say. You know what a chatterbox I can be, so no worries.
So recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about being a woman, especially an Asian woman, in the context of diverse environment. I have been lucky enough to be exposed to diverse environment since I was young, and I have thoroughly enjoyed the privilege. But what I also learned, in many painful ways, was that I have to speak up (literally and figuratively) to get my voice heard, even in this country where Asians (East Asians especially since 70% or so of the population is Chinese descendents) are majority while the culture has a fair mix of Western influence. The same may apply to South East Asian women. In one of my classes (on leadership), my prof mentioned that first-born Indian males are more likely to dominate the conversation while SE Asian women are more likely to be someone who doesn’t get opportunities to speak. Same applies to tall, white (usually handsome) males who are fluent in English (or not, in my opinion), again according to him. Another thing: inspirational leaders, like Barack Obama or MLK Jr., are most likely to be men (I mean how many females can you think of at this moment?) with deep low voices.
All these things reminded me of my voice class at Duke. How random, but I promise it will all come together. I was in Dr. Linnartz’s class, an amazing classical voice teacher. She pointed out the fact that my talking voice is “too low” compared to my singing voice (which is mezzo-soprano-ish). She wanted me to use my throat less, because I was constantly hurting my vocal cord by speaking the way I do always. I tried a little, but I felt ridiculous. I mean, I thought my voice was already high and distinct enough, normally, and now, I have to speak differently?!? I talked to my mom that night, and she also pointed out that after I started to speak English more fluently than Korean, my voice got significantly lower than before. So I never ended up even trying to “change” my talking voice, but that really got me to think a lot of things that I experienced while I was learning English over past 8 years. I have been usually pretty good with foreign languages, and one of the reasons was because I’m good at imitating different sounds, according to one of my teachers. The way I speak English now is after a constant imitation of American people that I’ve encountered, especially the ones who speak “good” American English. The way they spoke (therefore I imitated) has always been a lower-key, basically more “masculine” voices which were (unconsciously) taught to me as intellectual, sophisticated and persuasive voices. I basically learned how to speak like a handsome White male, in sum.
It may sound a little ridiculous to you, but I actually think my whole logic makes a perfect sense. I’m not saying that I don’t like the way I talk, but I find it simply fascinating to find out linguistic development to embrace the subtle cultural pressure that I had never thought of. I used to pronounce the same word hundreds of times before I went to bed if I was made fun of that day due to a certain “wrong” pronunciation. I used to hate the fact that I’m not a native speaker of English, especially when I was frustrated with writing. I hated the fact that some random white dude in class interrupted me in the middle of my talk, just because I was going a little slow. So what I learned was how to fight back. I wanted to have the same style of weapon as they do: precise American accent with lower voice that really resonates throughout the classroom, not to mention the deliberate speed which gives the other side a hard time to process what you’re talking about while not giving them opportunities to interrupt you. I wanted to become a better talker than a better listener, while constantly thinking what I can talk about right after this person who’s talking right now (without really listening to her/him). I was embodying the American White Male characters academically, whether I liked it or not.
Friends, this is not an attack on any specific person or people, but I’m a little frustrated about this aspect, because I find a lot of Westerners (both females and males) and myself, who are educated in the West with different styles from the East, making this mistake all the time, without meaning to hurt other people’s self-esteem or to kill others’ opportunities in the class. All my colleagues here are brilliant people, although some of their English is not as “good” as some of the natives or people like me. But when I see people being impatient while they really just have to listen, I get frustrated, because I feel like I am going back to several years ago and looking at myself who was being attacked and interrupted so many times, just because I wasn’t quite American/Western or even, masculine (not “manly” per se but culturally speaking). Theory of oppression in real life, right here.
So what do I do now? I actually try to speak less (although I do talk a lot in classes), and listen more. I sit back just a little, and pay attention to every word that my friend who’s not so fluent in English has to say. Learning to not to talk is by far the hardest thing that I’m working on (OK, maybe microeconomics is about there). Silence is NOT a virtue (because it is indifference and powerlessness), but listening definitely is. And I do believe that, one day, people with voices like me, can speak up freely, inspiring others, just like MLK and Barack.
Just as always, I miss you all my beloved. Peace.
Monday, August 17, 2009
So, why public policy?
Another post… a short one.
Today was officially the first full week of classes. The first class was intro to public policy, and I thought, to my surprise, the lecture was great. Prof. Lejano is one of the authors of our textbooks, and I really thought what he was talking about. But anyhow, he really reminded me of why I chose to get into public policy.
He asked: Who knows what the number one cause for child mortality in the world?
People had many different answers, but I knew what it was: diarrhea. The disease that can get cured with simple medicine along with clean water and decent nutrition that doesn’t have to be a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant.
Diarrhea is really painful (oh, don’t I know after this summer in Ghana…), even to a fully grown adult, and the degree of suffering for this simple sickness is probably a thousand times worse for children.
And here’s some more to think about. According to Newsweek (Jul.27th 09):
* 1/6 of humanity: undernourished as a result of the financial crisis.
* 11% increase: in people who will go hungry in 2009 to 1.02 billion, a record high.
* 71%: the world’s extremely poor (who live on less than $1.25 a day) who depend upon farming for their livelihood.
* 60% of a poor consumer’s income that is spent buying staple foods.
* 24% higher food prices were by the end of 2008 than they were in 2006.
I copied down the information when I was in the library, so I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but you get the essence.
What I’m trying to say is that the degree of human suffering that I have witnessed whether it was in inner city Durham or Port-au-Prince, Haiti, really breaks my heart, and although I know there are a lot of theoretical learning experiences involved in public policy education, I know for fact that this will only make me stronger as a more effective policy maker who can really connect with people, not with a piece of paper that is separated from the reality of suffering. And that's where my anthropologist instinct will come in.
Anyhow, yeah, it was a tiring day, but really awesome. Some of my friends found that it was so weird that I was doing masters in public policy instead of Ph.D in Anthropology. Don’t’ worry, I still have the intention, but for now, I think I made the right choice ☺. Good night my kin, and I’ll write more when I can. Now, back to South East Asian politics and policy.
PS: I just found out that a little girl named Midlene, who was a darling when I visited Fondwa (Haiti) last year, was adopted to an awesome family. Please be happy for her, although you don’t know her ☺
Today was officially the first full week of classes. The first class was intro to public policy, and I thought, to my surprise, the lecture was great. Prof. Lejano is one of the authors of our textbooks, and I really thought what he was talking about. But anyhow, he really reminded me of why I chose to get into public policy.
He asked: Who knows what the number one cause for child mortality in the world?
People had many different answers, but I knew what it was: diarrhea. The disease that can get cured with simple medicine along with clean water and decent nutrition that doesn’t have to be a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant.
Diarrhea is really painful (oh, don’t I know after this summer in Ghana…), even to a fully grown adult, and the degree of suffering for this simple sickness is probably a thousand times worse for children.
And here’s some more to think about. According to Newsweek (Jul.27th 09):
* 1/6 of humanity: undernourished as a result of the financial crisis.
* 11% increase: in people who will go hungry in 2009 to 1.02 billion, a record high.
* 71%: the world’s extremely poor (who live on less than $1.25 a day) who depend upon farming for their livelihood.
* 60% of a poor consumer’s income that is spent buying staple foods.
* 24% higher food prices were by the end of 2008 than they were in 2006.
I copied down the information when I was in the library, so I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but you get the essence.
What I’m trying to say is that the degree of human suffering that I have witnessed whether it was in inner city Durham or Port-au-Prince, Haiti, really breaks my heart, and although I know there are a lot of theoretical learning experiences involved in public policy education, I know for fact that this will only make me stronger as a more effective policy maker who can really connect with people, not with a piece of paper that is separated from the reality of suffering. And that's where my anthropologist instinct will come in.
Anyhow, yeah, it was a tiring day, but really awesome. Some of my friends found that it was so weird that I was doing masters in public policy instead of Ph.D in Anthropology. Don’t’ worry, I still have the intention, but for now, I think I made the right choice ☺. Good night my kin, and I’ll write more when I can. Now, back to South East Asian politics and policy.
PS: I just found out that a little girl named Midlene, who was a darling when I visited Fondwa (Haiti) last year, was adopted to an awesome family. Please be happy for her, although you don’t know her ☺
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