I have a huge crush on...

So here we go. I’ve been in Singapore for about… eh… let me check my calendar for a sec. OK, for about 3 weeks. But seriously, can I feel more home than this? I have a huge “crush” on this city/country. I have never felt so alive, so happy and so grateful in my life.

I think it’s most about the people that I’m surrounded by. I’ve already told you about what a city girl I am in the previous entry. But it’s just one of those elements that makes my life with the people here better. What I mean is that being in a city would not be as much of a big deal if there weren’t these diverse people that I have gotten to know for the past several weeks. I seriously am in love with all the people in my class. There are 90-some people from so many different academic and professional backgrounds, nationalities, cultures, religions and age. I have never encountered such diversity (although more than half of them are Singaporean, Chinese and Indian students) in my life, and my anthropologist-self always gets excited about this and appreciates it everyday.

Oh, talking about anthropology and appreciation… I have a new ritual every morning. On the way to the bus stop from my apartment, there’s a little shrine that seems to be Buddhist. It’s right next to the renovating apartment building, and elderly men hangout there playing majong and what not. Everytime I pass there, I give a short one-sentence prayer, asking for a good day and safety in the morning and thanking for a good day in the evening. I know this sounds really odd, but I think I really need to express my thankfulness to someone, because I am being well taken care of by this mysterious force that I can’t quite understand.

One of the things that I appreciate (everyday in front of the shrine) is the humbling experience through learning from the classmates. Since it’s been only orientation period, we haven’t learned much about public policy yet. But as many people have said (including John, a senior, and Gen, our academic advisor), we will learn more from our classmates than in the classroom and I feel that I already have learned so much. I’d been surrounded by people of age between 18 and 22 while I was in college. I was always the old, mature, “wise” one, especially when it came down to my role as a resident assistant (some people called me “mom”). But here at LKY, the age range is anywhere between 20 and 60, and many people have so much to share based on their backgrounds. I am one of the “babies” which I’m actually not very used to. Again, being a mom for 3 years for 18 year olds really shaped my identity, haha ☺. Anyhow, compared to so many of these people who have been everywhere in the world and speaking so many different languages, I often feel really small. I mean, what do I know as a fresh graduate (who is not even old enough to go on to one of the dual-degree programs!) as opposed to this man who has had his own business for decades or this woman who have been practicing law? The only advantage of mine would be the fact that I am used to be an academic and therefore I’m pretty malleable in terms of learning. I am not intimidated (well, my personality wouldn’t allow that), but there’s more of awe and amazement in this environment. It’s so incredible to think about what a hybrid of different cultures and thoughts I would be once I finish my program.

And about being a hybrid… I came to a realization how much I do not want to go back to the U.S. I think I am passing through this phase where I am so happy that I don’t want to emotionally suffer again. I have told several people… but I repeat. I don’t EVER want to go back, period. Well, at least for now. Throughout the 8 years of my life, I have truly enjoy the education (at school and through living there), but for some reason, nowadays, it terrifies me to think about being alone again and establishing a life in the part of the world that doesn’t seem to want me. I hated waking up in the morning, realizing that it’s just the annoying alarm clock waking me up instead of my mom. I hated the sudden feeling of loneliness that attacked me randomly and made me cry so much throughout my high school years. I hated trying so hard to have perfect American English so that I wouldn’t be made fun of (and so that I would not be called “cute” for my non-American accent). I hated all the pressure to get into the best college and be the best amongst the best.

The stifling reality is that, despite these facts, I have most of my loved ones in the U.S., and my college years were more than great. I do miss my best friends that I could talk for hours about anything. I miss anthropology classes at Duke. I miss the 3rd graders who wanted me to teach them for one more summer. What a mismatch of a place (or the concept of place), feelings and people… OR did this rambling make sense at all? See, people here think I’m pretty “American” (according to Sarah, I’m “100% American”), but I was always a foreigner in the States, and I always will be.
I guess my feeling of love and hate are both so strong towards the country and culture that really shaped me. What a messy situation, eh? I’m sure this weird emotional phase will probably pass soon, but I am definitely in a transition.

Alright, I think I’m gonna go back to reading more NYT articles and op-eds. By the way, I got internet at home now. Yippieeeee!!! And it definitely helps me reconnect with people. So… Skype date anyone?!? The time difference between the States and here is 12 hours, by the way. Love you all!