wow it's been a while...

and I just realized that I started to write this entry in the middle of September, but I just never got around posting it. I do apologize for this... yes, not being so communicating, but it's been pretty busy and busy and busy. But I'm still thinking of you.
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Hello everyone,

OK, there has been an extensive communication disconnection, and I do apologize. I have been extremely busy, I mean, just awfully busy. I haven’t slept more than 4-6 hours for past 3 weeks, and I just have not had much willingness to do anything else than sleeping. When I had time, I’d have so many thoughts and things to share everyday, just sitting at the bus stop, daydreaming, walking on the street, or something, but I just haven’t had the energy for it.

So where do I start… Well, one thing I have been constantly thinking about is, “What am I doing here?” Don’t get me wrong. I do love it, I do love the person who I have become, and I do love the extent of learning. I think I made the best choice from the options that I had since I could have easily stayed in the “West,” instead of choosing to move back to Asia (sort of…) and to study public policy. As I was writing a long overdue email to my dear friend Sarah, I could not help but thinking, “So why am I specifically pursuing this path?” I have known that I wanted to do something that is service oriented throughout my life, and I believe that it has been confirmed in so many ways. But really, when I’m working on microeconomics problem sets or decision trees for my empirical methods class, I find myself being distracted and feeling out of place, not just because it is a new field for me, but also because I don’t see how I can apply this mass information that I’m getting can actually be realized in my real work that I would like to do. Well, I don’t even know what I want to do, but you get the point. At the end of the day, I still have tons of problem sets that I have yet to understand, and once I come back home by midnight, all I want to do is just going to bed, instead of writing my journal, reading and thinking about what is going on in the world, and reflecting on how great the day was to move a step forward to make a small change in the world. Instead, I’m just so tired, and half the semester is already gone after many of these days. I fear that I would not be as useful of a person as I thought I was, and there’s this permanent guilt (?) that I’m not trying as hard as I could. And I’m a little frustrated about the fact that I am getting more distant everyday from anthropology, which is really the love-of-my-life discipline.

Don’t worry. I am not going to drop out of school (!). I just need to remind myself regularly about why I initially chose this path, despite the fact that everyone thought it was such an odd choice for me to choose such a “conservative” discipline (not in a government involvement/political sense, but more of a general sense considering my personality). Facing this challenge of “why” has been a learning experience in itself, and I believe that it will eventually enrich the sense of purpose. I know that one day, I will look back and laugh at those days that I complained about too many graphs to draw for my econ assignments.

On a brighter note, recent several days have been really fun for me. There was the cultural night at school which helped us distress a little bit from the midterm pressure and dress up in our traditional dresses (I did too!!!). I just hung out with people, not working ☺, and walked around the gardens just talking, and other things. I can’t give you enough of details!

I know that these are the days that I will definitely remember. Although I have so much work to do for the rest of the break, I know there is sufficient support from my friends who are really in this together and enjoy sharing everything. The people here do make differences in my life, and I thank them in my heart everyday. On that note, wherever you are, I am thinking of you and thanking you for taking a part in my life.