slow recovery from my quarter life crisis

Long time ago, until I was in middle school, perhaps, my favorite thing to do was writing. I was actively participating in writing contests and I actually got lots of awards as well (gasp! Was that the reason that I enjoyed writing that much?)

Then, the thing called "real life" got on the way of my 15-year-old self. I chose to move on to high school in a completely different country with a language that I thought I was good at.

And look what happened, about 10 years later (another gasp...). Now I'm too tired, too lazy, and too jaded to write anything and express myself really effectively. Of course no one checks whether I'm writing my journal diligently or not, so the closest thing to my former passion that I do nowadays is drafting 5-line emails, perhaps 7-8 times a day. Even emailing is somewhat burdensome from time to time.

What saddens me a little (or a lot) is the feeling that I have lost too much of myself over time. I always had grand excuses, such as learning new cultures, exams, social life, "work," etc., but what have I done just for myself? What have I done to communicate most effectively with myself? I once wanted to be a writer, perhaps when I was in middle school. I was actively curious, searching for things to think about and write about. I wanted to see and feel the beauty and interpret it on my own, because that's what I wanted, and because that's who I was. And my inner intimacy level to my own self has dropped by about 248%, and there's some sadness to it. When what I really used to love becomes a chore and becomes a source of headache and tiredness, and when I realize these facts about myself, it is more than disappointment.

Perhaps what I need is still wanting to find things to be excited about, to love and to share, yet again. While I've been recovering from a pretty challenging year, not only regarding grad school, but overall trauma of becoming an adult, I realized that I had let go a lot of things, like, meaningful relationships that I should have maintained, passion, love and hope. I let myself down, often, and I do apologize that I have been out of touch with many of my friends (which include stopping of my emailing and blogging and other worldly contacts).

It's a little late to talk about these new life plans for 2010, but I have one big new years resolution now: I'm not gonna let the world take over me. And I'll become "me" again, just like the girl whom I used to be.