sleepless in singapore

Long time no talk/see/hear/write my friends,

A few of you may know, but my laptop charger had broke, so I had to give it to Apple service center, and I finally got it back today. Huge thanks to Apple global warranty, I got this hundred and something dollar charger for free. I highly recommend everyone to get your laptop with warranty :).

Anyhow... today is Wednesday already, and it has been exactly a month since I came to this country. I've written so much about how I love this place and all, but phew... the recent couple of days have been pretty tough for me. Don't get me wrong, I still love living here, and I won't give it up for anything. But strangely, the usual feelings I get whenever I move to a new place -feeling overwhelmed, lonely, stressed, etc.- are hitting me on my one month mark in this country. It's just so strange. I guess, during the orientation period, I was always excited and busy with meeting new people and the adrenaline rush really overwhelms the fear. I do love my new friends, (most of) the materials that I study (you know I'm a nerd, and leave me alone), the friendly and safe environment of the country, and the fact that I'm living in a city, but I just started to feel a big hole in my life.

I have become a person who is pretty vocal and giving, especially over the recent 4-5 years. I’m really not that afraid to speak up and com/passionate about the causes that I firmly believe in, like women’s rights/feminist issues, race issues, minority education etc… While connecting with people these ways, my personality became pretty outgoing as opposed to being shy and quiet. And here, I’m that bubbly “American” girl with a southern twist (as a little bit of Southern belle “charm”), as funny as it sounds. I try hard to be friendly, kind and social, coping with all of my personalities. Maybe it’s just that I chose (consciously and unconsciously) to re/present myself that way, and this “trying hard” thing is really hard. By no means I’m fake. I do mean everything and love socializing and hobnobbing, but I always feel some pressure to actively seek to form my own communities and circles, because I am only a human being who can’t just live with Wilson the volleyball. And being an over achiever and a world-floater I am, I tend to go for extra miles. Am I just stuck in the high school mentality that I have to be the sweetest and chatty girl in school? I certainly don’t believe so (and oh, trust me, I never was like that when I was in high school), but why is it that the more people I get to meet, the more I feel lonely? Why is it that the after a month of joy, there’s a sudden attack of tears all the sudden while sitting in a lecture class? (Seriously, it happened last night when I was in my statistics class, as absurd as it sounds.)

So, just to cope with this, I went to my friend Will’s house at College Green to borrow a movie, as chickflicks tend to cure it all (brainless and simple when I’m not thinking about feminist and race theories that can be applied to them). It’s a nice dorm-style area where most of my classmates live near Uni. And while I was sitting there, I started to talk to Mirza, and I started to cry. I mean I cried like a baby (but probably louder and uglier), and I swear, I haven’t done that in a long, long time. And it was the first time that I cried in Singapore. I think something in me was just holding it down, almost repressing it, because I always tell myself that I have to be a strong girl. I’m not trying to be all heroic and stuff about my life, but usually, when I cry, I’m more of a face into my pillow kinda person. And, in Asian culture (or just in my family culture, maybe), expressing emotions, especially “negative” ones like sadness and anger, is pretty taboo, because that means that you’re weak. You do it on your own time. And growing up with that mentality my entire life, although I’m a bi-cultural product of American and Korean culture, I always have had a hard time expressing my intimate feelings. Hmm… am I just emotionally handicapped? But anyhow… Mirza was being such a sweet friend, and he just let me cry there, and tried to help me get it out. But I honestly didn’t know what it was that really made me burst into tears while sitting in the middle of my friends living room, flipping through movies (well, there may have been a few personal reasons that I didn’t want to talk about and don’t wish to discuss now, either). I think I probably freaked out/scared his housemates Siyang and Fabi (who are my dear classmates as well and really awesome), but after a piece of Toblerone (my beloved dark chocolate kind!) and several spoonful of Ben and Jerry’s (I swear they are my favorite men in the world, as Bridget Jones would agree), I sat there, all embarrassed. (And yes, I’m writing about it so that everybody in the world knows…)

But good thing about having friends with developing friendship, really, is that they will be there, willing to listen to you and talk through. I think I sorta went on talking, probably about everything in my life, and how I feel like things are falling apart and I was alone in a battlefield. But this feeling of “insecurity” has some sort of magic that really gets everyone, even the ones that seem the most confident. I’m probably not the only one who was stressed about this whole “new life” thing, and I’m probably not the only one who feels a little out of place. So there goes the famous Duke expression, “effortless perfection” which is only an imaginary concept that makes us all like these non-human particles of the world. I refuse to embrace it, but oops, I did it again (seriously, what’s wrong with me tonight with all the pop-culture references?). But the reality is that, we are only human, and we all are, often, insecure and vulnerable while we don’t publicize it. Friends, don’t try to deny that. Anyhow, we just sat there, chatting, and it was nice and comforting. Who needs a therapist while Mirza’s around, right ☺? And as I headed back, well after 11pm, I ran into Will, and at the bus stop, we were just chatting about this random emotional breakdown (and other random stuff as well) that I couldn’t really understand.

What I’m trying to say is that, I’m doing fine, but I’m just having a “human” time. I can’t always a happy, cheerful “Ann of Greengables” type of person who can overcome any kind of difficulties. I’m definitely feeling much better (after watching a silly movie, _Hitch_) now, but I’m just letting you all know one thing: I’m only a human being, and without all the human connections and webs, I would be nothing at all.

And as usual, I miss you, love you and am thinking of you. And happy one-month anniversary of me and Singapore! (Seriously, who needs a man when you are in love with a city, as Sarah who’s in love with Manhattan said!) Farewell!